Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Tell me you get it…🤣
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”