@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

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@StupiDucker

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

@apparentlysmart

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@TheAlexNevil

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

@Brentweets

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

@QueefSandwich

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

@JimmerThatisAll

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

@chuuew

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.