*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.