Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
A man of commitment.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no