Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.