Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
You Might Also Like
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
This a good idea
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.