[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.