Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.