Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

smh

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.