Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.