Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
You Might Also Like
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.