big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
🤣🤣🤣
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
What kind of a cult is this?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
That’s fair
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?