big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener


Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen


Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.


*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now


[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?


Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.


had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before


He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.