*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
early stone age tool
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.