Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
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Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on