Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My patience has stretch marks.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.