Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
You Might Also Like
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.