Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.