Big Sex has us all fooled
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They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.