Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Breaking news:
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
goldfish mafia
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe