Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I know karate and tons of other words.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
#DesignFail
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.