Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Finally a use for spoilers…
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.