Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.