Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I’m too immature for adultery.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game