Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.