@GetCougarized

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

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@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@smsss5

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

@SamSkinnerKC

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@velvettusk

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

@jakegarv3

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

@PoodleSnarf

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any