Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You Might Also Like
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Duolingo getting serious.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.