bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.