Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs