“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff