Bike for sale
You Might Also Like
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
sistine chapel
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
@funTweeters
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”