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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?