BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Siri, fight Alexa.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos