Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.