Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Saw your ex at the shops
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?