Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.