BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen