bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Bros before Ohioes
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen