Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
You Might Also Like
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.