“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”


Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”


No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.


What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?


I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!


As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.


JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U


The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.