“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
LMAO.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?