@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

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@DanMentos

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

@slimmy_shady

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

@holycrapitsakat

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

@Fun_Beard

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

@bombscribe

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

@ClickBaite

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@perlhack

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.