Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Did I do this right
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
my favorite genre of twitter
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper