Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
School be like
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.