Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
we all know this pain all too well
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Monday
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful