@NYC_Blonde

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

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@vineyille

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

@donni

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@notacroc

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name