Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands