Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Raisins are grape jerky.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Great game to play with friends
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti