billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad