Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You know…for fall…
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet