BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please