Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Look at this
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.