billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
and this one
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Batman v Dracula
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Risking my life for fun.