Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
You Might Also Like
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night