billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

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The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.


*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*


[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART


How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes



u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith


Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.


Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.


Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??