The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.
Court starts Monday.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??