billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I feel attacked.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
A new level of troll.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀