Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
You Might Also Like
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
OKAY DAD
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect