Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!