Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me